hey told me the world was vast and I am small. That my destiny was written on a crumbling wall, They told me to bow to be a gear in their machine, to stay within the lines, and to be heard but never be seen. But I looked in the mirror, and I didn't see a ghost. I saw a universe waiting to reclaim its host. I am not here to ask for permission to shine nor to wait for a seat at a table that is not mine.

I don’t talk just to fill the air, I don’t move to prove I care, I don’t scare when the sky turns black, I don’t leave when I get pushed back, I’ve seen strong men lose their ground, heard great words fall apart out loud (America), I don’t shake when the walls give in, I get quiet, and I dig in when it gets heavy, when it gets loud, when everyone’s running around, I don’t run. I don’t bend when I stand. I don’t fall; I hold it all. I am truly brilliant in a crisis – cool, calm, and collected. I just seem to know what to do; I solve problems, situations, etc. I am unbothered.

Life keeps knocking at my door, asking if I’m weak again. My hands are shaking, my heart is unsure, but I won’t let this be the end. I’ve been walking through the ruins of my life, trying to remember who I was before the strain of getting older. a velvet dream from years gone by beneath the wide and endless sky, The melodies still fill my soul; they make my broken spirit whole. Each gentle cord, the tender sigh, its timeless feelings softly fly through whose silent halls where echoes roam, where I find solace, find its home. Take me back to the days of old when brave new stories will unfold; this grand refrain, a mystic cup, still beats within my loving heart.

Who gave them the right to charge us for water and land they didn't create? We should not be paying anything for our existence on this earth.

Let that sink in – let it scrape against everything that you have been taught.

You know that the idea that you owe money just for existing is the most absurd thing that humanity has ever accepted. You were born here against your will on a planet that you did not create, under a sky that no government ever hung, breathing air that no corporation ever manufactured, and somehow you begin your life already in debt, which is not even sane.

The good points of schizoaffective disorder, borderline personality disorder and complex emotional difficulties – hmm, well, it seems hard to find good points, as they seem to have less impact than the negatives. Although I suppose you could say the same about the news – rarely do we hear of good things on the news; we only seem interested in the negative things happening in the world, which is a shame, because maybe if we all concentrated on the positives instead, we could make better judgements and improve the good bits and make the world a slightly better place.

Should I write this blog? I had to think long and hard about writing this blog and about going public with the information that I am a Generation X, Schizo Affective with a Personality Disorders and complex emotional difficulties, among other things, to write and share my experiences, as I was concerned that people would think that I am weak minded, Disturbed, broken, or even off my head, therefore leaving me open to ridicule, manipulation or even blackmail. most of my life I have kept it a secret…

Money is the way most of us survive in the modern world, if you can call it modern? Technologically advanced, maybe, but modern? Well, that is debatable. We still use weapons, and we still fight over the same things we have fought over for hundreds of years: land, resources, religion, money, Politics and possession: we, as a race and individuals, always seem to want to force our will upon others – “You will believe in this!” “We want that land, so we will take it!” “What you believe is wrong!” or “Who you are and what you say are wrong.” “The colour of your skin is wrong; your language, religion, culture, and sexuality are wrong; I want that!” Women - men, money, knowledge and power. WOW

We really are screwed up.

What is love?  Is it sexual?  Is it spiritual?  Is it physical?  Is it sensual?  Well, this is a bit like asking, 'Why are we here ’ which I do have a few theories on, but that is the subject of another post.

As someone with mental health problems, I find it extremely difficult to hold down a relationship, working or intimate. I find it very difficult to express emotions that I don't have. I can be both brazen and ridiculously shy, sometimes at the same time. How mad is that?

I have had several relationships over the past 40 years, some close and some distant, some long and most short, with the longest lasting about 5 years. It seems to be the most I can manage living with someone.

In some ways, not having a relationship where two people live together can be good, in that your partner is more likely to get the best parts and moments of you, as you will see them mostly when you are manic or on an emotional high or, if they’re lucky, on a plateau.