The good bits
The good points of schizoaffective disorder, borderline personality disorder and complex emotional difficulties – hmm, well, it seems hard to find good points, as they seem to have less impact than the negatives. Although I suppose you could say the same about the news – rarely do we hear of good things on the news; we only seem interested in the negative things happening in the world, which is a shame, because maybe if we all concentrated on the positives instead, we could make better judgements and improve the good bits and make the world a slightly better place.
Although that is a bit over optimistic even for me, now as you may or may not know some sufferers of this disorder have hallucinations and hear voices and smell etc. to differing degrees well I am no different there are many things which can contribute to the degree of this for me being tired, upset, stressed, sick, nervous, excited, agitated or in pain, Hallucinations can vary from full blown episodes like all the seafood on the fish counter in the supermarket being alive and dancing to an Art Hickman style tune with stripped waistcoats, straw boaters and canes and pixies base jumping from a polished wooden castle floating in the sky, to just that little something you catch a glimpse of out of the corner of your eye, or a shadow disappearing the moment you look in its direction, that thing that moves behind you in the mirror, it is often hard to make sense of the world around you with such things playing tricks, I have lived with these diagnosed conditions now for many years and have learnt to deal with some aspects by using rational thought my mind is constantly thinking it just never stops every single action I take and choice I make has a million calculations go through my mind in fractions of seconds all the positive and negative affects of each and every action or choice I make may have on the world and people around me, even to myself although sometimes in that respect it can be a case of what the hell I don’t care depending how I am cycling at the time, so I have had to educated my mind to distinguish between what is and what is not real sometime when out and about I may walk out of a shop and find a character in fancy dress say Buzz Light year or a Storm trooper for example with a subway sign or going to a function and I do have to turn to the person I am with to see if they have seen it too, if they have great got that one, if they have not then it is a case of O.K. best ignore that then, move along move along, you must understand that I do not always manage to control every aspect this way but educating my mind as to what is considered the norm and what is not does help, That and the fact I was born in 1970 so having these conditions then did not bode well so best to keep my mouth shut and as I was often told deal with it pull myself together.
I find that putting into words my experiences and how I deal with them is actually rather difficult as there is no real rhyme or reason to it some may just put it down to I have good days and bad days which is also true to a degree there are many things that I can cope with easily almost any major event or problem, I can be very level headed and in control, calm and organised and yet there can be something as simple as a tube of toothpaste squeezed in the middle with an oozing lid or someone uses the last sheet of loo paper and not replace the roll with a new one, things like that, things that your average person just wouldn't give a second thought too, actually causes me an immense amount of anxiety, this insignificant and thoughtless act by another individual can cause such an adverse chain reaction in my mind that it can lead to all kinds of arguments and problems in order to avoid such stresses, I have found that the simple act of each having our own tooth paste and mouth wash etc. for example stops that toothpaste tube from becoming an issue it is all to easy for someone with this condition to fixate on something or someone and that thing or person can become such a serious issue that it is a case of if that problem can not be overcome it must be removed which again can lead us to a very unhappy situation. But hang on, I am supposed to be talking about the positives, and, like the news, I have slipped all too easily and comfortably into the negative stuff again.
The good points of my conditions are for sure the creative side, It gives me an edge to the way I see the world and although I live in the “shadow of my mind” I see the world, life and cultures on it in a fantastic clarity so it is surprising to me that I find it hard to clarify Schizo Affective Disorder the problem here is that I can just tell you what it is, what it does, how it can be treated with medication but they are all hard facts and this blog is more about how I see the world around me and trying to educate those who have or know someone who has this disorder or any kind of mental illness and that is where it becomes a tad harder as we are all different so what works for me may not work for someone else and my way is not easy on me or my friends and family but it is an option.
